and i thought i loved you then

i've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. and it's been great :) we've had plenty of rough spots, but we always manage to find our way out of them. and the other day i was thinking about the first time we said i love you to one another (he said it about 11 days into the relationship, crazy right?!). and i kept asking him how he knew that soon and he said he just did. and if i ask him the same question right now the answer would be the same. thats just how it is. we were meant to find each other. meant to meet. and meant to fall in love. period. no questions asked. but the funny thing is whether its 11 days in, a year, or 20; we still use the same word. and i wonder if the word changes its meaning or if it's the same love that was felt the first day it was said.

teenage dream

he tells me all the time how beautiful i am. (he even said that my stretch marks are beautiful to him). he tells me i'm perfect and there's nothing wrong with me. that he wants to be with me forever and he could never find anyone better. he loves my personality. he thinks i look great when my hair is a mess and i don't have any make up on. he enjoys hanging out with my family and playing with my little sisters. his idea of a good day is just being able to spend time with me. he would see me every day if he could. he's seen me at my worst and he's seen me at my best and he's still in love with me. he's even seen me at that special time when i get all silly because i'm tired and i'm laughing like a crazy person. he's perfect. i'm living the teenage dream.

the note

i've never been more scared in my life. i want to see you. i want you to come home. but i'm afraid of what that's going to mean for us. i'll be crying as we touch for the first time in weeks. you'll hug me and i'll slowly reach into your back pocket to find a note... and it could say anything...:
'i love you'
'forever'
'everything's okay'
or
'its over'
'im sorry' (for some reason this one scares me the most)
these next 7+ days are not going to go by fast enough. but at the same time i'll want them to slow down. because the moment i reach into your back pocket....

im not a princess, this ain't a fairytale

its funny how the one you love the most can hurt you the worst. its been over 4 months now and i am completely in love with a guy who i can never make happy. no matter what i do nothing will ever be good enough. i can never get him to open up to me or to trust me, and i dont know why. but something in my gut tells me he doesnt want to believe me. i dont know why that is but that means that i will never be good enough for him. ever. no matter what he says or what i do, ill never be the perfect girl for him.

have you ever thrown a fistful of glitter in the air?

"Have you ever wished for an endless night
Lassoed the moon and the stars
And pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath
And asked yourself
Will it ever get better
Than tonight, tonight......."

these are the lyrics to one of my new favorite songs by pink that i cant stop listening to. it makes me tear up every time i hear it. i think of him every time i do. and the fact that he may be leaving me. i try my best to be happy when I'm with him because he doesn't like to see me upset. but when i get home....sometimes i just lose it. i constantly feel like my heart is literally breaking. no matter how happy i am, I'm always aware of the voice in the back of my head telling me he's leaving soon...counting down the days. i look at his face and feel my heart strings pulled tighter and tighter and one of these days they'll be pulled so taunt that they'll just break. and I'm scared to see what'll happen next...baby, if you end up reading this before you leave for the summer know how bad you're hurting me. i can't even picture my life without you, don't make me actually have to feel what its like.

and i've been secretly falling apart...

i hate that i dont know what to say. i hate that i dont know what to feel. i hate that i dont want to cry anymore because it gets me no where. i hate that theres no one who can truly do anything to help me. i hate that i feel helpless. i hate that people have to die. sometimes i hate that i have to live. but i especially hate that you might have to leave.

no more

i have officially given up on the one blog a day plan. its so not working out. i got way to far behind so now it would be all screwed up.