teenage dream

he tells me all the time how beautiful i am. (he even said that my stretch marks are beautiful to him). he tells me i'm perfect and there's nothing wrong with me. that he wants to be with me forever and he could never find anyone better. he loves my personality. he thinks i look great when my hair is a mess and i don't have any make up on. he enjoys hanging out with my family and playing with my little sisters. his idea of a good day is just being able to spend time with me. he would see me every day if he could. he's seen me at my worst and he's seen me at my best and he's still in love with me. he's even seen me at that special time when i get all silly because i'm tired and i'm laughing like a crazy person. he's perfect. i'm living the teenage dream.

the note

i've never been more scared in my life. i want to see you. i want you to come home. but i'm afraid of what that's going to mean for us. i'll be crying as we touch for the first time in weeks. you'll hug me and i'll slowly reach into your back pocket to find a note... and it could say anything...:
'i love you'
'forever'
'everything's okay'
or
'its over'
'im sorry' (for some reason this one scares me the most)
these next 7+ days are not going to go by fast enough. but at the same time i'll want them to slow down. because the moment i reach into your back pocket....

im not a princess, this ain't a fairytale

its funny how the one you love the most can hurt you the worst. its been over 4 months now and i am completely in love with a guy who i can never make happy. no matter what i do nothing will ever be good enough. i can never get him to open up to me or to trust me, and i dont know why. but something in my gut tells me he doesnt want to believe me. i dont know why that is but that means that i will never be good enough for him. ever. no matter what he says or what i do, ill never be the perfect girl for him.

have you ever thrown a fistful of glitter in the air?

"Have you ever wished for an endless night
Lassoed the moon and the stars
And pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath
And asked yourself
Will it ever get better
Than tonight, tonight......."

these are the lyrics to one of my new favorite songs by pink that i cant stop listening to. it makes me tear up every time i hear it. i think of him every time i do. and the fact that he may be leaving me. i try my best to be happy when I'm with him because he doesn't like to see me upset. but when i get home....sometimes i just lose it. i constantly feel like my heart is literally breaking. no matter how happy i am, I'm always aware of the voice in the back of my head telling me he's leaving soon...counting down the days. i look at his face and feel my heart strings pulled tighter and tighter and one of these days they'll be pulled so taunt that they'll just break. and I'm scared to see what'll happen next...baby, if you end up reading this before you leave for the summer know how bad you're hurting me. i can't even picture my life without you, don't make me actually have to feel what its like.

and i've been secretly falling apart...

i hate that i dont know what to say. i hate that i dont know what to feel. i hate that i dont want to cry anymore because it gets me no where. i hate that theres no one who can truly do anything to help me. i hate that i feel helpless. i hate that people have to die. sometimes i hate that i have to live. but i especially hate that you might have to leave.

no more

i have officially given up on the one blog a day plan. its so not working out. i got way to far behind so now it would be all screwed up.

day 16

i totally spaced yesterday and forgot to do a blog post so im skipping yesterdays.
todays: your views on mainstream music
i like mainstream music. sure there's some stuff i dont listen to. but all in all i like it a lot. there's nothing wrong with being a little mainstream.

day 14

your earliest memory
when i was younger my family lived in a different house. my parents had a huge master bed with a huge master bath. they had one of those ginormous jacuzzi tubs that you could fit like 4 people in. (it may possibly have seemed bigger back then because i was smaller). i remember filling it half full with pillows, bringing about 15 books, and laying in it for hours. i was a book worm even at a very young age :)

day 13

somewhere youd like to move or visit
easy. Europe.

day 12

bullet your whole day
this totally figures. today, all in all, sucked. lots of boyfriend troubles. we hung out for about an hour after a sort of fight with my dad. then my boyfriend and i had a fight. which resulted in me walking 2 miles back to my house. we tried to resolve it, but that didnt work. then he sort of talked about breaking up with me. everything seems to be better now....for the moment. but we shall see. fingers crossed that everything will be okay. i cant see my life without him...

day 11

put your ipod on shuffle and right the first ten songs that pop up
1. Mouthwash- Kate Nash
2. Dammit-Blink 182
3. Kings of Hollywood-MXPX
4. Always-Blink 182
5. Devil's Dance Floor-Flogging Molly
6. All Those Nights- Dear Juliet
7. Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds- Across the Universe
8. Never Too Late- Three Days Grace
9. Red Red Wine- UB40
10. Gotta Have You- The Weepies

day 10

discuss your first love and first kiss
they guy that i thought my first love was might not have been. so im not so sure about that one. but my first kiss was....well innocent. it happened with a nice boy, in the middle of a mall food court, in front of my best friend. but it lasted all of 1 second and he ran away afterward. but we dated for 4 months after that, so he must have done something right that first kiss.
it was definitely not my dream kiss. but i wish every first kiss could be that innocent.

day 9

how do you hope your future will turn out
i can keep this blog post short, sweet, and to the point. i want to have graduated from a good college (which one? i dont know). i want to be successful (with what job? i dont know). i want to be married (when and to whom? i dont know). i want to live in a nice house that i decorated by myself (where? i don't know).
BAM there's my future. its all decided.

day 8

a moment you felt the most satisfied with your life
actually last night was probably the most satisfied ive been with my life in a long time. i was laying with my best friend on the trampoline, looking at the moon, texting my amazing boyfriend, who id had a great time with earlier that day. i felt invincible and happier than ive been in probably a year.

day 7

your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.

i am a pices. the majority of the descirption of pices resonates with me. basically the image is of two fish. one facing up, the other down. meaning i am always torn between two different decisions. story of my life.

day 6

30 interesting facts about yourself
1. i have crooked pinkies :)
2. i have green eyes
3. i am in looove with clouds
4. my favorite color is light blue
5. i suck at spinning a flag :)
6. if the sunset took all day i wouldn't mind
7. ive fallen in love with love
8. i trust people way too easily
9. i collect movie tickets
10. i could spend a whole week doing nothing but watching movies with my best friend :)
11. i like to write poetry
12. my favorite song is your guardian angel by the red jumpsuit apparatus
13. my favorite movie is titanic
14. im a sucker for a good chick flick
15. i love 80s music
16. chicks bug me
17. i dont want kids but im thinking of being a child psychologist
18. the first thing i ever did with my best friend was see national treasure 2
19. i sit on my roof to get away from the world
20. i would die without music
21. i dye my hair at LEAST 4 times a year
22. i wanna get my nose pierced
23. i hate making lists of things about myself
24. i have a love affair with every book i pick up
25. i like to draw little hearts on everything (especially my hands and jeans)
26. i love photography
27. i actually get along with my parents
28. i enjoy watching the news
29. taylor swift sings my life
30. i am extremely ticklish

day 5

a time when you thought about ending your own life
okay, as you would assume this one is going to be hard for me, as it probably was for everyone else who did this. but im going to be completely honest, because i think thats only fair. i have thought about killing myself many times. not recently, but over the last 3 years there have been many times when i thought of it as an easy out. i cannot pin point exactly what i was thinking at those times, but i know that i was hurting for some reason or another. i used to cut myself (of course, once a cutter always a cutter). i dont do that anymore and i havent since ninth grade (i think). but all of the times i did that i was thinking about how easy it would be. i thought about my funeral and how my bestfriend would take it.
this isnt really relevant, but she is the reason i quit. she showed me how many people really do love me and how much she loves me. and how much people would hurt if i were gone. we found ways together to get out our anger and hurt from the world. and i have her to thank for...well...everything.

day 4

your views on religion
oh lord, here we go. i have no religion. i used to be a Christian but Christians ruined that for me. organized religion is such bull. its a bad idea. the one good thing they do right, if you know the right people in the church, is they give you a sense of family. otherwise, bleh religion. oh and im tired of people asking me to go to church with them like they would ask a cancer patient if they want help; pity. i dont need it, and i dont want it. let me live my life. i love having fun and being good to people, that is my religion.

day 3

your views on drugs and alcohol.
to be honest i have never and dont have any desire to do drugs. alot of my friends do them and have offered me. there was a time when i was considering it because i was tired of everyone having all these inside jokes of the shit they did together when they were drunk. but i didnt and i still havent. i dont even like cigarettes. smoke is nasty!
now alcohol is a different story. i think as long as you're safe about it, with people who are smart and trustworthy, and you only have it in moderation, then its not bad.

day 2

where you'd like to be in ten years
not here :) id like to be in either colorado, california, oregon, or washington. id like to have graduated from college (not sure which) and be living in a nice apartment or house :) i have no idea what i want my vocation to be, quite honestly. the idea of sitting down and just thinking about it scares the shit out of me. there are too many things that could happen, change, or go wrong. i dont see the point in planning that deep into my future because the future is surprising. we're not supposed to know what happens; that would be boring ;)

30 day challenge: day 1

day 1 - your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
i am currently taken :) his name is martin and he is amazing. i met him in english class at the beginning of the second sememster (he sits right behind me). we didnt really start talking until about 3 weeks into the semster and started dating about a week later :) so far its been probably the FUNNEST 5 weeks of my life and i cant wait to see what more there is to come.

if i could say what i wanna say...

i really do wish i could say what i wanna say (or in john mayer's case say what i need to say). but thats so hard. putting words to the thoughts that are running around in my mind is super complicated. sometimes i write things that i think are really good and then i read back through a week later and i think "what the heck was i trying to say?". like my last post....yeah. but i recently read someone else's blog that has ignited the fire that once burned in me to write.

to write about anything and everything. my day. my most recent relationship. my life. the things i love. my family. what makes me smile. what makes me cry. my dog. school. movies i love. people i dont. politics. religion. love.

the problem with me having a blog is, i have way too much to say. giving me this much space to just freewrite makes it hard on me to harness my thoughts. i end up blathering on and on about something that doesnt make sense or going off on a tangent..... ;)

i want people to read what i have to say and for it to actually make them think. even if its just for a split second. i want to change the way someone thinks, just for a moment. i want to change the way people look at life, just forever :)

so after you read this, write something. anything. write something to me? it would be greatly appreciated. or just write (like me) for the sake of writing. but you should probably have a topic in mind so you don't (like me) have the opposite of writers block and just write forever.

though i have to say, this feels good. writing. oh how ive missed it.