proof

that every girl has wings. whether or not she chooses to show them is her choice...

guardian angel

i want to be
your guardian angel
when you're afraid.



i want to be the one
standing next to you
when everyone else has gone

i want to be
the happiest thing in your life
when everything else has gone wrong.

i want to understand
all of the things you're going through
but you have to let me in.

otherwise your alone,
no one is by your side.
no one to make you feel happy.
no one to help you hide,
from all your problems
just for a little while.

ill help you escape,
and take you away from here.
but you have to let me in.

the right kind of discrimination

lately, at my school, people have apparently been thinking that it is okay to replace the word bad, dumb, or stupid with the word 'Jew'. for example: ''did you do your homework in math last night? no, it was so ridiculous. so Jew. there was no point to it.'' the student council members were addressed on this topic because we are "examples" of how other students should act. and no one should be talking with such racial disrespect. this is totally and completely fine with me. i think what those people were saying is wrong. so this is not what i had a problem with.
what i have a problem with is people calling others things like "faggot" or saying that's so "gay" as if it is another word for stupid or dumb. this, however, was not addressed at all while we were having this discussion. when everyone knows that people at my school say that sort of thing all the time. so why is it okay to say that's so gay? answer: its not. just because it is not racial discrimination doesn't mean its right.
this doesn't make any sense to me at all. discriminating against someone because they are gay is the same as doing so with a black or Jewish person. it seems like people are telling us that discrimination is okay as long as it is the "right" kind of discrimination. i'm going to let you in on a little secret: there is NO such thing as right or just discrimination.
you don't get to decide that you don't like a group of people because they are different than others. its not right. you can discriminate against a gay person all you want but as soon as you say something about a Jew or black or Chinese person then its wrong. why is that?

all discrimination should be wrong....so why isn't it?

picture from utah

as we were driving in utah we saw many trees that were different colors. red, orange, gold. they were all so beautiful. and i was thinking, as i was looking at these dying leaves (not in an 'emo' or pessimistic way at all.) ''death can be so beautiful''.

emotional throw-up

no. no. this can't happen. not to her. not to him. its not fair. how could you let this happen? they didn't do anything! they did nothing wrong. yes, i'm mad at you. yes i'm upset with you. God. where are you? in this terrible situation. i'm waiting for it to get better. but as time goes on its only making me more angry. at you. at him. at her. at myself. so God, why? why them? why not me? i've done the same things. hell i've done worse in some situations. so why did it have to be her? why did it have to be him? a man after Your own heart. bullshit. that obviously means nothing anymore. i can't help but be mad at you for letting this happen, for not stopping it, for not making it better, for not fixing it. which means i can't help but be mad at myself for not understanding, for being angry. i'm mad at the church for not realizing it sooner. i'm mad at churches in general for alot of things. i'm sorry for being angry, for being confused, and for not understanding. its just hard to understand why a God who is suppose to love you so much would let this kind of shit happen.

your not...

who i remember. you've changed. you're not the girl from so many years ago. youre not fourteen. where did you go? where's the real you? what did he do to you? what did he put you through, to make you change so much? i miss who you used to be. but i know i will not get her back. because of him. because of what he did to you. and for that i hate him. i never thought i would hate anyone in my life but i honestly hate him. i want to kill him and choke him with my bare hands. i miss you.....so much....i love you....i'm sorry.

Lately....

i've been feeling quite overwhelmed. life has been crazy and crashing down pretty hard. and its getting really scary. i'm confused, angry, and scared all the time right now. i'm trying my best not to feel that way, but it hits me hard when i'm alone and in other situations. and i feel bad for being moody all the time, but its not necessarily in my control. my moods are all over the place like a freakin roller coaster and every single one of my friends is forced to ride my roller coaster of emotions. and i feel truly bad about that. but things are just crazy right now. i'm trying to wait things out hoping it'll get easier and better. i'm just not sure how long that is going to take. i no longer believe that everything happens for a reason. i don't think there could be a reason for some of the things that have happened. maybe there will be, i don't know but its hard to think that way right now. because all i can think about is how bad the situation(s) are.

one less

do you remember those "Gardisl" commercials? "O-N-E-L-E-S-S ! i wanna be one less! one less!"

well i want to be one less too.

one less teenager that has to deal with depression.

one less person that is bullied and feels useless, alone, and like they have no where else to turn.

its hard to go through so situations and not feel like you can talk to anyone because they will either: look down on you, be mad, or tell you to just get over it. its not that easy. its never that easy.

"you wouldn't tell someone 'its just cancer, get over it'" (i read that somewhere. its talking about those people who say 'its just depression. you'll get over it.') we need to remember that this is a real problem. depression hurts.

Untreated depression is the number one cause of suicide, and suicide is the third leading cause of death among teenagers.~ (NIMH) from TWLOHA's homepage

its never 'just' depression

it only takes one...

one person to listen.

one person to hear you out.

one person to talk you out of it.

one person...to change your life.

be that person.

be the ear that hear her pain.

be the ear that listens to his story.

be the voice that tells them its okay.

be the statement that changes their lives....forever.

be that person....

dead end

i believe you don't actually lose unless you give up. but right now i'm giving up, i've lost. there's nothing else i can do. i have screwed up so big that i can't see my way out of it. one of my really good friends hates me. and its totally and completely my fault. i can't keep acting like there is something i can do to fix this situation i have brought myself into. because there is nothing left. no way out. i've hit a dead end and i can't even turn around to walk back out. so i'm giving up. i've lost the fight. its over.

summer of '09

here's to the past nights and that nights to come. staying up late watching that 70's show and talking to that special someone. here's to early morning texts and late night parties. to sleepovers 3 times a week and friends out of town. here's to swimming and major tan lines. cokes and popsicles poolside. haircuts and new swimming suits. here's to summer love and waiting for school to start. new sunglasses and not enough sunscreen. to waterparks and beaches. and to loud pool parties that drive the neighbors crazy.

here's to the summer of '09
have fun!!!!

from my very own journal

i'm so tired of hearing people say they "understand" how i feel. or my personal favorites they've "been there" and they "know how it feels". But they don't. You can never truly understand how someone feels about something their going through. Not if you've gone through something similar, or your going through it with them. not even if you are going through or have already gone through the exact same thing.
people grieve and go through things in a different way. so back off. stop saying you "understand" or you "get it" because in all honesty....
you
have
no
idea.

nature at its best.....

this is sooooo cool. it looks like a painting.

i love this picture. i'm not sure why. but its amazing.

cute picture

i don't know why but i absolutely love this picture. its super cute.

this whole "God" thing

why are religions so hostile towards other religions? most religions believe in God and or Jesus, but just have a different name for him. so why do we make a big deal if people are not the same religion as us? why do we have to get all up in other people's faces about their religion? we believe some religions are true but yet we still believe that our religion is the "truest" religion. why can't we just be content with ourselves believing what we believe? why does everyone else have to see things the exact same way as us? thats not fair and it makes no sense.

and what about that whole "if you don't believe in God you go to hell?" well what about all of the people in china who don't really have a choice? or in other contires where Christianity is not an option? God is a just and fair God so don't you think he would let them go to heaven? its just like little babies. they don't know any better; they don't know yet what they believe. and most people believe that they go to heaven....so wouldn't the other people too?

some random thinking.....

do you ever wonder why the grass is green?
or why the sky is blue?
or why the grass isn't blue and the sky isn't green?

i wonder what the world would look like if the grass was blue and the sky green.
ha ha that would look so cool.

you have to look around and wonder sometimes why God made things the way he did. why the dirt in Oklahoma is red and why it isn't that color anywhere else....why does Oklahoma get to be special? what about us people in Arizona? all we have is the Grand Canyon.....and that gets boring after awhile.

why did God make us different if he knew that most of us would get ridiculed for being different? its almost like he doesn't care. now i know he does, but still......
it makes you wonder.......

My Prayer

I'm ready to give up.
Ready to walk away,
Almost ready to give my life today...
So help me God.
I need a Savior
Someone who knows what i've been through.
Cause right now,
Life's too much to handle
Stress levels are high,
And anger is close behind.
The tears almost fall by themselves.
Closed up and empty,
I need someone to open and fill me.
So open me,
Fill my life with you.
Because life is hard God
I'm tired of being ignored
And feeling invisible
I'm done trying to get through this by myself
I can't do this alone....

Amen





Life is really hard right now and I'm struggling to be heard.
I'm becoming more and more invisible each day.
So stand by and watch me disappear




I don't undersand how people who have been through so much and should hate God, don't. And yet I haven't been throught much, but I'mnot as close with him as i should be.....