emotional throw-up

no. no. this can't happen. not to her. not to him. its not fair. how could you let this happen? they didn't do anything! they did nothing wrong. yes, i'm mad at you. yes i'm upset with you. God. where are you? in this terrible situation. i'm waiting for it to get better. but as time goes on its only making me more angry. at you. at him. at her. at myself. so God, why? why them? why not me? i've done the same things. hell i've done worse in some situations. so why did it have to be her? why did it have to be him? a man after Your own heart. bullshit. that obviously means nothing anymore. i can't help but be mad at you for letting this happen, for not stopping it, for not making it better, for not fixing it. which means i can't help but be mad at myself for not understanding, for being angry. i'm mad at the church for not realizing it sooner. i'm mad at churches in general for alot of things. i'm sorry for being angry, for being confused, and for not understanding. its just hard to understand why a God who is suppose to love you so much would let this kind of shit happen.

your not...

who i remember. you've changed. you're not the girl from so many years ago. youre not fourteen. where did you go? where's the real you? what did he do to you? what did he put you through, to make you change so much? i miss who you used to be. but i know i will not get her back. because of him. because of what he did to you. and for that i hate him. i never thought i would hate anyone in my life but i honestly hate him. i want to kill him and choke him with my bare hands. i miss you.....so much....i love you....i'm sorry.

Lately....

i've been feeling quite overwhelmed. life has been crazy and crashing down pretty hard. and its getting really scary. i'm confused, angry, and scared all the time right now. i'm trying my best not to feel that way, but it hits me hard when i'm alone and in other situations. and i feel bad for being moody all the time, but its not necessarily in my control. my moods are all over the place like a freakin roller coaster and every single one of my friends is forced to ride my roller coaster of emotions. and i feel truly bad about that. but things are just crazy right now. i'm trying to wait things out hoping it'll get easier and better. i'm just not sure how long that is going to take. i no longer believe that everything happens for a reason. i don't think there could be a reason for some of the things that have happened. maybe there will be, i don't know but its hard to think that way right now. because all i can think about is how bad the situation(s) are.