emotional abuse

i wish there was a way to save you. to get you out and far away from where you are. i wish there was a way to make you happy and keep you that way. but every time i try and help you she cuts you down. 'you're ruining your future', 'you're throwing your family under the bus', 'i will never forgive you if...'. these are all common phrases in your house. as soon as you walk through the door, she cuts you down. she doesn't see what she's doing to you, she doesn't care. she doesn't know that because of the things she says that ive promised i'll always be there. its almost your birthday, you're almost sixteen. and i have to say, ive never seen your mom be so mean.
how do you save a friend from emotional abuse, when it surrounds them everyday. shes not allowed to tell most people, not allowed to move away. her dad, out of state, has no idea what goes on, because anytime she tells someone she gets yelled at. 'you had no right!'
everyone involved can see what a monster she is turning out to be. shes abusing you and she doesnt even know, the sad thing is, you'll never let it show.

a girl's room tells all

after looking around my room ive realized anyone can look at it and find out everything about me.
they'll see i love my dogs (my past one and the one i have now), family, and friends. they'll see that i am a very colorful, loud person. that i don't keep alot to myself, i let every know how i'm feeling all the time. they'll know i have a best friend who is very important to me. i looove watching movies and i keep all the tickets from the theaters. i like it when people right me poems and draw me pictures. im good at school and i like it. im a messy unorganized person who likes sleep and my bed. also, i adore reading. and i have this little dream of changing the world some day.
so if you ever see my room, you'll understand what i mean.
my room really does tell all, even if it doesnt look like it could. when you walk in there, my whole life's story is painted all over the walls and covers the not so pretty (or clean) carpet.

"falling slowly"

thats me, im falling slowly. where have i fallen from? i'm not sure. where am i falling to? i dont know that either. its like i've fallen through a trap door in the floor and ive been falling ever since. thats how life feels to me right now. i dont know where i came from, because i didnt know who i was then. i don't know where i'm falling too, because i dont know who i will be. and i don't know how far down in the abyss i've fallen, because i have no idea who i am now.
people keep telling me i need to find things i like to do. i need a hobby. extra curriculars. but, you see, thats quite hard to do when you don't know what you like. i'm just trapped in this free fall. i dont know where i'm falling and when i will finally reach the end. and that scares me.
i'm ready to hit the bottom. im ready to skip this worthless time in my life. i wish i could wake up tomorrow and be 21. i'm just tired of falling.

"i'm a flight risk with a fear of falling"

it has come to my attention (after trying to find a friend's blog and happening to stumble upon my own) that i have basically forgotten about my blog. which is crazy considering the few big things that have happened. yes, i got my permit :) but that's not what i'm talking about. i moved schools. i am now going to a school with about 2700 kids as opposed to the 200 and my dinky charter school. i went from a school were i knew practically everyone's name to knowing only three people (and the one i was closest to i had only met about a week earlier at orientation).
but, surprisingly, things have gone so well. i have lots of friends, i am maintaining a 3.8 average (which is not easy after coming from LFPA i must say), and i am doing my best to get involved in school.
my first week and a half of school was rocky (i was sick to my stomach almost every day). now i go to school with a smile on my face, ipod in hand, and my phone in my back pocket (2 things that would have been taken away at my last school). plus the phone is good for those occasional texts to my mom or best friend for a courage boost, because, i must admit, i still get overwhelmed. when you go to an assembly where about half of the kids have to sit on the floor because there's too many kids, it gets a little scary. oh, and note to self ALWAYS sit in the right section at assemblies, sitting in the wrong section is extremely embarrassing.
everyday it gets a little easier and i get a little more scared about graduating and entering the 'real world', but that we can save for a whole other blog :).
i'm aware this was a little choppy and a little random. but cut me a little slack, i haven't been on in awhile. which, hopefully will change.

oh p.s. i have decided that, because i can never come up with a title for my blogs, i will type in the lyrics to whatever song i am listening to.

you..

are my pain and my joy
My sun and my rain
My happy and sad
You posess the abitlity to control all of me.
You can make me or break me in an instant.
You mean the world to me and thats what scares me the most.
You hold my heart but what are you planning on doing with it?
Please dont crush me
Please dont lead me on
Take me by the hand and run with me again
Show me what I love
And hide all that hurts
Help me live my life
Running free and happy
Just don't break me

leslie winters

100 things (or as many as i can think of)

recently i've been watching the show the buried life on mtv. it is about 4 boys who write a list of 100 things they want to do before they die. and as they complete something on their list they help a stranger complete something on theirs. (it is obviously one of mtv's deeper shows. quite a bit better than jersey shore, if you ask me.) but anyways this has prompted me to answer the very same question "what do i want to do before i die?"

i am going to do this by writing a list right here on my blog. anytime i think of something new i will add it to the list. and anytime i complete one of the tasks i will cross it off. now i know alot of theses things i won't be able to do for awhile or ever, but why not try? so read my list and please comment to tell me some things you want to do before you die.

1. have one of my poems or writings published
2. get a real tattoo
3. ride all of the roller coasters at six flags in California (even the scary ones)
4. scream at the top of my lungs
5. meet the boy of my dreams
6. be in two places at once
7. dye my hair blue
8. tour the world
9. learn to surf
10. make a difference in someones life
11. eat 5 exotic foods from countries other than mexico, u.s., and italy
12. learn how to drive
13. be on tv
14. skinny dipping
15. sky diving
16. be noticed in a crowd
17. preform 'fire in the hole'
18. be pulled up on stage at a concert
19. dance in the rain
20. kiss in the rain
21. fall asleep under the stars
22. climb a mountain
23. go tubing
24. have a near death experience
25. kiss under the stars
26. be fluent in another language
27. see a shooting star
28. watch a meteor shower from the roof
29. see whales in their natural habitat
30. sing/dance like no one is watching/listening
31. be completely comfortable in my own skin
32. scuba dive
33. own thousands of books (that ive actually read)
34. be completely honest for 2 days
35. tell someone what i really think about them.
36. be the cause of a fight
37. throw a kick ass party
38. save a life

what they did wrong.

she needs a daddy.
someone to look up to,
and keep her safe.

tired of being second priority.
he'd rather stare at a computer screen.
rather watch tv

who will be the one to give her hand?

teach her right from wrong,
and teach her how to find a man?

she's never felt important
and never felt loved.
all she has in the world
is her daddy above.

another girl
needs to be wanted.
to be put first.
you'd rather snort
or shoot up.

you won't be there to watch her get married,
or help do her hair for prom.
she says all she's ever wanted
is a mom.

you won't be there for her at all.
you pick her up only high enough
to watch her fall.

why did you leave them alone?
didn't you care?
they are so beautiful.
so young.
now too insecure.

you never tried.
you never saw the pain they hide in their eyes.
never had a dad
never had a mom.

and all the while they wonder
what they did wrong.